this shard of color
from which the wild rhythm builds
to the beat of not seeing this soul
this shard of color
was a lyrical blue
a collaborative illusion
through my fingers like sand
yet hope needs more
than these bold lips can proclaim
for you are free in the form of a lie
and there are no further words
for me to speak
all that is left is breath and time
linger fully sacred here
i wrote this poem several months ago in my own processing about a relational conflict. but this week i was flipping through my journal and discovered it anew, reading the words in a different time and place. as i read through the final stanza, a lump formed in my throat and my heart beat a little faster. the words had new meaning.
right now, what seems to be slipping “through my fingers like sand” is jesus. these words caught in my throat as i read this, and even now my fingers are hesitant to type those words, to commit them to the page.
the beauty of being in school, and seminary to be more specific, is that i have the freedom to explore and ask questions. i devote my time to reading and thinking, and much of my encounter with God in the last few years has been connected to this experience. i have been challenged and had my faith grow and expand in really surprising ways.
for every step in this part of the journey, i have felt like my faith is getting bigger...deeper...more real...more true.
and then, in what felt like an instant, that changed. suddenly i couldn’t see the walls of the church around me anymore. the wide open space that this walk of faith has brought me to today has left me wondering where it is that jesus sits.
this discovery left me in a panic. a visceral fear made its home in my heart. and i don’t know how i got here.
in the last couple of weeks, as i have sat with this fear in this vast open space, i have found myself held and sustained by two things.
i am held in the words of the father to his older son in Luke 15: “you are always with me, and everything i have is yours.”
and i am held in the Eucharist, which affirms all of the ways that i see my faith has grown positively, and connects me with every believer and indeed every human in a way that stretches my comprehension and compassion. and even more so, it unites me to jesus even when i’m not sure i believe.
for this moment, all i can do is sit. in the midst of doubt and confusion. lingering fully sacred here.